Living with autism and or ADHD often means navigating a world that doesn’t always understand or accommodate our unique experiences. Many of us struggle with self-acceptance, tying our sense of worth to how well we meet societal standards. But what does it really mean to be "good enough"?
Understanding Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance means embracing who we are, including our neurodivergent traits. It goes beyond acknowledging our strengths and challenges; it means loving ourselves unconditionally. Psychologist Albert Ellis emphasized the importance of unconditional self-acceptance, where one values themselves regardless of their actions or the opinions of others.
The Challenge of Conditional Self-Acceptance
Many of us fall into the trap of conditional self-acceptance, believing our worth depends on meeting specific criteria. These criteria, or standards, can be either internal or external:
Internal Standards: These are personal beliefs shaped by our upbringing, culture, and experiences. For example, someone with ADHD might feel their worth is tied to their ability to stay organized or focused, often comparing themselves to neurotypical standards.
External Standards: These are expectations set by society, media, or other people in our lives. For instance, an autistic person might feel pressured to conform to social norms that don't come naturally to them.
When we measure ourselves against these standards, our self-esteem fluctuates based on whether we meet them. This creates a cycle of constant striving and temporary satisfaction, leaving us perpetually feeling "not there yet."
Breaking the Cycle
To break free from this cycle, we need to recognize how our standards influence our feelings and behaviours. Reflect on the following:
Identify Your Standards: What do you believe you need to achieve to feel worthy? Common examples include maintaining focus, socializing "appropriately," or excelling in a typical work environment.
Assess the Impact: How do you feel when you fail to meet these standards? Many people experience shame, anger, or low self-worth. What sacrifices are you making to meet these standards? Consider the personal needs you might be neglecting, like sensory breaks or time for special interests.
A New Perspective on Growth
Accepting ourselves as we are doesn't mean we stop striving for improvement. Instead, it shifts our motivation. We work on ourselves not to feel worthy but because we value growth and learning. This perspective allows us to view mistakes as opportunities rather than reflections of our worth.
For example, rather than feeling ashamed for needing extra time to complete tasks, we can focus on the strategies that help us manage our time better. Instead of trying to fit into neurotypical social norms, we can embrace our unique ways of connecting with others.
Moving Forward
As you navigate daily life, practice self-awareness. Notice when you are driven by harmful standards and consciously choose to either meet them or let go. This ongoing practice will help you build a stable sense of self-worth that isn’t reliant on external validation or constant achievement.
In the end, true self-acceptance comes from within. It’s about realizing that you are enough just as you are, and your worth is inherent, not conditional. Embrace this mindset, and you'll find a more peaceful, fulfilling way to live, uniquely tailored to your neurodivergent experiences.
Self-Acceptance Exercise for the Autistic and ADHD Community
Self-acceptance is crucial for mental well-being, especially for those of us in the autistic and ADHD community. This exercise is designed to help you explore your personal standards, recognize their impact, and foster unconditional self-acceptance.
Objective
The goal of this exercise is to identify your personal standards for self-worth, understand their effects on your well-being, and practice strategies to embrace self-acceptance.
Time Required
20-30 minutes
Materials Needed
A notebook or journal
A pen or pencil
Exercise Steps
1. Identify Your Standards (10 minutes) Reflect on what you believe you need to achieve to feel "good enough." List at least three standards. Consider both internal and external expectations.
Examples:
Being able to stay focused on tasks without getting distracted.
Socializing in a way that feels "normal."
Maintaining an organized living space.
2. Reflect on the Impact (10 minutes) For each standard you listed, answer the following questions:
How do you feel when you do not live up to this standard? (e.g., shame, frustration, low self-worth)
What sacrifices do you make to try to meet this standard? (e.g., neglecting personal needs, feeling overwhelmed, social anxiety)
Example:
Standard: Staying focused on tasks
Feelings: Frustration, self-doubt
Sacrifices: Overworking, neglecting breaks
3. Challenge Your Standards (5 minutes) Reflect on the following prompts for each standard:
Are these standards realistic or fair to yourself?
Do they reflect who you truly are, or are they imposed by external expectations?
How might you adjust these standards to be more compassionate and supportive of your well-being?
Example:
Standard: Staying focused on tasks
Realistic: It's unrealistic to expect perfect focus all the time, especially with ADHD.
Adjustment: Allowing for regular breaks and celebrating small accomplishments.
4. Embrace Self-Acceptance (5 minutes) Write a self-affirmation statement that reflects unconditional self-acceptance. Focus on valuing yourself as you are, regardless of whether you meet your standards.
Examples:
"I am worthy and valuable just as I am. My focus challenges do not define my worth."
"I accept myself fully, including my unique way of socializing. I do not need to conform to feel valued."
5. Practice Mindfulness (Optional, 5 minutes) Spend a few minutes practicing mindfulness. Sit quietly, close your eyes, and focus on your breath. Allow thoughts to come and go without judgment. Use this time to reinforce your self-affirmation and cultivate a sense of inner peace.
By regularly engaging in this exercise, you can develop a stronger sense of self-acceptance and reduce the impact of harmful standards on your well-being. Remember, your worth is not determined by how well you meet societal or personal standards but by your inherent value as a unique individual. Embrace who you are, and let go of the need to be "good enough" by external measures.
Conclusion
Living with autism / ADHD means embracing a different way of experiencing the world. By redefining what it means to be "good enough" and focusing on unconditional self-acceptance, we can create a more supportive and understanding environment for ourselves and others in our community. Remember, your worth is not determined by how well you fit into neurotypical standards but by your unique strengths and contributions.
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